support, therapy, mental health, counseling
Guest User
Beyond World Cancer Day: Where Personal ...

Beyond World Cancer Day: Where Personal Connection Meets Professional Passion

Written by: Becky Morales, LCSW-S, Licensed Therapist

World Cancer Day is held every year on February 4th. This international day is focused on raising awareness and education, in addition to calling on individuals and governments worldwide to promote health equity. By the time you’re reading this, it’ll be well after February 4th - and yet, I’m honored to have the opportunity to share a little bit about the impact of cancer on my life and why I choose to focus on supporting others impacted by cancer in my work.

Beyond World Cancer Day: Where Personal Connection Meets Professional Passion
Guest User
Thriving in Diversity: The Power of ...

THRIVING IN DIVERSITY: THE POWER OF MINORITY-MAJORITY ORGANIZATIONS IN MENTAL HEALTH

Written by Kayla Childs, Marketing & Digital Communications Manager at Colors of Austin Counseling

In an industry, culture (and nation) that is primarily ran by the majority, Colors of Austin Counseling stands as a testament to the power of the minority and how organizations like us can have a lasting impact in the mental health landscape. Here’s what it’s like working in a minority-majority organization…

Thriving in Diversity: The Power of Minority-Majority Organizations in Mental Health
Guest User
Executive (Dys)function: Demystifying ...

EXECUTIVE (DYS)FUNCTION: DEMYSTIFYING DECISION-MAKING AND FOCUS CHALLENGES

Written by Kim Jenkins, LMSW, Licensed Therapist

Sometimes it’s really hard to do things!

With the winter holiday season upon us as I write this, it feels to me like we’re at a perfect moment to think about executive (dys)function. This particular stretch of weeks can be extremely demanding and overstimulating, not to mention charged with complex emotions, memories, and relationship dynamics. Facing down tasks like visiting with family members you don’t often see, navigating various social expectations, buying groceries during the busiest retail season of all, and generally tying up the loose ends of the year can be utterly exhausting. For these reasons and more, maybe it’s become fairly socially acceptable to voice feelings of overwhelm and burnout during this time of year.

Executive (Dys)function: Demystifying Decision-Making and Focus Challenges
Guest User
The Healing Power of Nature: An Introduction to ...

THE HEALING POWER OF NATURE: AN INTRODUCTION TO NATURE-BASED THERAPY

Written by Alyssa Ray, LMSW, LCSW-Associate, Licensed Therapist

The holidays are quickly approaching which can be a stressful time for many of us. It can be easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season and forget to give ourselves the self-care we need. When we are in busy seasons it can be difficult to prioritize self-care or feel like we don’t have the resources available to us to practice our usual self-care but there is one thing we always have access to: nature.

Nature-based therapy is a holistic approach that incorporates components of the natural environment to provide relief for mental and physical health issues. It incorporates talk therapy and elements of nature to help individuals work through their feelings. It is versatile and can be used in many different settings; virtually or in person, individually or with groups, inside or outside. It can involve activities such as hiking, gardening, sitting outside, or using nature-based metaphors to provide emotional relief.

The Healing Power of Nature: An Introduction to Nature-Based Therapy
Guest User
Rewriting the Narrative: Lessons for My Younger ...

REWRITING THE NARRATIVE: LESSONS FOR MY YOUNGER SELF ON EATING DISORDERS

Written by Marissa Lecaros, LMFT-Associate, Licensed Therapist

As we approach the Holiday season, it is important to be mindful of language used towards food and body as there could be someone you love struggling with disordered eating or body image issues. Holidays can bring up this eating disorder “part” or “voice” in some individuals that will be hyper aware of comments made, and then yell at this individual to resort back to disordered eating behaviors to protect them from sadness, judgment, shame, fear, etc.

As a Latinx woman, I can understand how culture plays a role in language used and how at times it might not be intentional to make shameful comments towards someone, and yet I challenge you to consider breaking the norm for yourself or for someone else who may be struggling. When I was young my body was often commented on, and I remember being told right before college by many “don’t get the freshman 15”. Although I am aware of my body privilege, those comments led to me believing I had to keep up and continue being as thin as I could be to receive love and be worthy of affection and care… Which then led to restrictive eating, compulsive exercise, labeling foods as “good” and “bad”, yo-yo dieting, etc. People did not have to straight up tell me “when you are smaller I like you more”, it is just what my brain and society created me to believe. Eating Disorders & Body Image issues can show up for any one - there is no weight or body requirement, no specific race or ethnicity, no specific gender… It can happen to any human being. Which is why it is so important to be mindful of the actual behaviors and not body size or weight.

Rewriting the Narrative: Lessons for My Younger Self on Eating Disorders
, , ,

Beyond World Cancer Day: Where Personal Connection Meets Professional Passion

, , ,
Beyond World Cancer Day: Where Personal Connection Meets Professional Passion

Beyond World Cancer Day: Where Personal Connection Meets Professional Passion

Written by: Becky Morales, LCSW-S, Licensed Therapist

World Cancer Day is held every year on February 4th. This international day is focused on raising awareness and education, in addition to calling on individuals and governments worldwide to promote health equity. By the time you’re reading this, it’ll be well after February 4th - and yet, I’m honored to have the opportunity to share a little bit about the impact of cancer on my life and why I choose to focus on supporting others impacted by cancer in my work.

Thriving in Diversity: The Power of Minority-Majority Organizations in Mental Health

Thriving in Diversity: The Power of Minority-Majority Organizations in Mental Health

THRIVING IN DIVERSITY: THE POWER OF MINORITY-MAJORITY ORGANIZATIONS IN MENTAL HEALTH

Written by Kayla Childs, Marketing & Digital Communications Manager at Colors of Austin Counseling

In an industry, culture (and nation) that is primarily ran by the majority, Colors of Austin Counseling stands as a testament to the power of the minority and how organizations like us can have a lasting impact in the mental health landscape. Here’s what it’s like working in a minority-majority organization…

Executive (Dys)function: Demystifying Decision-Making and Focus Challenges

Executive (Dys)function: Demystifying Decision-Making and Focus Challenges

EXECUTIVE (DYS)FUNCTION: DEMYSTIFYING DECISION-MAKING AND FOCUS CHALLENGES

Written by Kim Jenkins, LMSW, Licensed Therapist

Sometimes it’s really hard to do things!

With the winter holiday season upon us as I write this, it feels to me like we’re at a perfect moment to think about executive (dys)function. This particular stretch of weeks can be extremely demanding and overstimulating, not to mention charged with complex emotions, memories, and relationship dynamics. Facing down tasks like visiting with family members you don’t often see, navigating various social expectations, buying groceries during the busiest retail season of all, and generally tying up the loose ends of the year can be utterly exhausting. For these reasons and more, maybe it’s become fairly socially acceptable to voice feelings of overwhelm and burnout during this time of year.

The Healing Power of Nature: An Introduction to Nature-Based Therapy

The Healing Power of Nature: An Introduction to Nature-Based Therapy

THE HEALING POWER OF NATURE: AN INTRODUCTION TO NATURE-BASED THERAPY

Written by Alyssa Ray, LMSW, LCSW-Associate, Licensed Therapist

The holidays are quickly approaching which can be a stressful time for many of us. It can be easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season and forget to give ourselves the self-care we need. When we are in busy seasons it can be difficult to prioritize self-care or feel like we don’t have the resources available to us to practice our usual self-care but there is one thing we always have access to: nature.

Nature-based therapy is a holistic approach that incorporates components of the natural environment to provide relief for mental and physical health issues. It incorporates talk therapy and elements of nature to help individuals work through their feelings. It is versatile and can be used in many different settings; virtually or in person, individually or with groups, inside or outside. It can involve activities such as hiking, gardening, sitting outside, or using nature-based metaphors to provide emotional relief.

Rewriting the Narrative: Lessons for My Younger Self on Eating Disorders

Rewriting the Narrative: Lessons for My Younger Self on Eating Disorders

REWRITING THE NARRATIVE: LESSONS FOR MY YOUNGER SELF ON EATING DISORDERS

Written by Marissa Lecaros, LMFT-Associate, Licensed Therapist

As we approach the Holiday season, it is important to be mindful of language used towards food and body as there could be someone you love struggling with disordered eating or body image issues. Holidays can bring up this eating disorder “part” or “voice” in some individuals that will be hyper aware of comments made, and then yell at this individual to resort back to disordered eating behaviors to protect them from sadness, judgment, shame, fear, etc.

As a Latinx woman, I can understand how culture plays a role in language used and how at times it might not be intentional to make shameful comments towards someone, and yet I challenge you to consider breaking the norm for yourself or for someone else who may be struggling. When I was young my body was often commented on, and I remember being told right before college by many “don’t get the freshman 15”. Although I am aware of my body privilege, those comments led to me believing I had to keep up and continue being as thin as I could be to receive love and be worthy of affection and care… Which then led to restrictive eating, compulsive exercise, labeling foods as “good” and “bad”, yo-yo dieting, etc. People did not have to straight up tell me “when you are smaller I like you more”, it is just what my brain and society created me to believe. Eating Disorders & Body Image issues can show up for any one - there is no weight or body requirement, no specific race or ethnicity, no specific gender… It can happen to any human being. Which is why it is so important to be mindful of the actual behaviors and not body size or weight.

Reflections on Suicide Prevention Month

REFLECTIONS ON SUICIDE PREVENTION MONTH

Written by Alexandra DeHoff, LCSW-S, Licensed Therapist

As it is Suicide Prevention Month, I thought it necessary to take a moment to reflect on this difficult, but real issue. Recognizing triggers and warning signs is important, but I wanted instead to elaborate on what to do when someone has already disclosed their suicidal thoughts. I often hear client's worries that having these thoughts automatically means that I will recommend psychiatric hospitalization, that they would be stripped away from their families, locked away in solitary confinement.

DON'T WORRY - IT DOES NOT!

When someone shares this information, it's not necessarily helpful to try and understand "why" at that time. If someone is in crisis, they likely can't articulate "why" and, worse, persisting about this, could increase their distress. Triggers, stressors, and warning signs of returning suicidal ideation is, however, very helpful to discuss when they are no longer actively suicidal. A therapist will likely be an important part of this process.

Farewells and New Beginnings

Farewells and New Beginnings

Farewells and New Beginnings

Written by Sandra Olarte-Hayes, LCSW, Interim Executive Director

Change is exciting and change is oftentimes difficult. I love this team. I love what we are about and I love what this practice stands for in our community. I also love the ways in which I’ve been able to grow and learn and what I’ve accomplished here both as the Director of Equity and as the Interim Executive Director these past 6 months.

If it sounds as though I’m gearing up to share something difficult and to say goodbye, then you’re right. Tomorrow is my last day with Colors of Austin Counseling and this will be my last post. Announcing this feels incredibly bittersweet. The last year has come with many changes and realizations for me, particularly changes in my family’s structure. Becoming the mother to children with significant trauma means that my family needs more of me. They need more of my attention and more of my time. Needs that I didn’t originally anticipate have emerged and I’ve written pretty openly about that here. It feels good to make a choice that is right for my family and to grow into new roles and possibilities in my life, and yet I will miss this team so much.

New to Counseling? Here’s What to Expect and Look Forward to as a Client

New to Counseling? Here’s What to Expect and Look Forward to as a Client

Written by Armando Sanchez, LCSW

blog1-01.png

To say that we are living through challenging and uncertain times in 2020 is an understatement. Among a host of global and personal challenges, COVID-19, political and social oppression, the effects of global warming, and interruptions to our way of life have shaken our sense of reality and security in ways most of us have never experienced. 

Practices and activities that normally help us cope during times of stress might not be as effective as they once were, or may not be accessible at all during quarantine. Fortunately, counseling exists for moments and periods of life such as this. 

If you are considering therapy to help you through these challenging times, to heal and grow as a person, or simply to talk through some things, I have helpful information for you! Let’s cover  the things you need to know to help make counseling the most beneficial  experience for you.

Finding a Therapist

Finding the right therapist is important to a successful counseling experience. However, finding the right professional, at the right cost, especially as a person with intersectional identities, can be a challenge. It’s common and encouraged for clients to decide what characteristics and qualifications they want in their therapist. Think about who you would feel the most comfortable talking to and whose perspective you want to get as you navigate personal aspects of your life. Consider their gender identity, race/ethnicity, age, sexual orientation, religion/spirituality, and more. For more guidance, check out this article from verywellmind.com. 

Therapist locating websites such as Inclusive Therapists make it easier to find a therapist with specific qualities and experience. If you want to use your health insurance, your provider may have a list of in-network mental health providers for you to consider. You can also access a therapist through a local mental health agency. An online search for mental health services will show private and public/non-profit agencies that provide counseling near you. While you may not have a vast selection of therapists to choose from at any one particular agency, you can request a therapist who meets some or all of your qualifications. 

If you live in an area with limited mental health resources or that lacks therapists who match your needs, there’s good news! Currently, Colors of Austin Counseling provides teletherapy (online therapy), which allows us to expand services to all of Texas. Click here to see a list of diverse and highly qualified COA therapists who are ready to serve you.

Navigating the Cost of Therapy

Counseling services can range in cost and accessibility, but it is possible to find counseling services for free or at a low cost. Services are often offered for students at education institutes, at community/non-profit agencies, and through insurance plans/employee assistance programs (EAP) that cover mental health services. Most of these options have limitations, so it’s important to get as much information as you can when accessing these counseling services. 

If you are able to pay for therapy out-of-pocket, you have more options to choose from and a greater likelihood of finding a therapist that meets your exact needs. Hourly therapy session rates can feel costly for many people, which can be a barrier to getting the support needed. If this is the case for you, consider the following questions:

  • How long am I looking to be in therapy? 3 months, 6 months, 2 years, ongoing, or as needed?

  • How often am I looking to see a therapist? Once a week, every other week, once a month, every 3 months, or as needed?

  • Can I prioritize my spending to build a budget dedicated to my mental health needs?

Most therapists and agencies have a sliding scale that lowers the cost of counseling sessions below their full/normal rate based on a set criteria that is usually based on the client's income or circumstance. If you are not in a financial position to pay the full therapy session rate, talk to your therapist to see if their sliding scale rate works for your budget.

Therapy does not have to break the bank. In fact, at the right frequency, price and budget, therapy can be an accessible part of your wellness. A reality for many is that anxiety, stress, and other uncomfortable emotions can drive us to spend money to get temporary emotional relief, but does not align with how we want to use our money. A benefit of investing in our mental health through counseling is that we can cultivate the clarity, vision, and plan for our finances to achieve the goals and life we want to live.

The First Session and Your Rights as a Client

Once you have found a therapist that meets your needs and at a rate that works for you, you will set up your first appointment. There is usually an intake process that involves sharing information, such as:

  • your availability

  • form of payment

  • service policies

  • a history and psychosocial assessment, and

  • your reason for seeking counseling

Be sure to ask questions that come up for you during the intake process. You want to go into your first session feeling confident and ready to receive all of the benefits of counseling.

During the first session, your therapist will introduce themselves and provide a brief history of their professional experience and approach to providing counseling to clients. They will cover confidentiality, which is the policy and commitment to keep your personal and private information safe in accordance with federal and ethical guidelines. You will also have the opportunity to share your story, what brings you to therapy, and work with your therapist to create short-term and/or long-term therapy goals. For more information on therapy goals and why they are an important component to a successful counseling experience, check out this article by opencounseling.com.

With increased societal awareness and events surrounding race, ethnicity, oppression, white supremacy, racism, gender identity, sexual identity, police violence, and more, it is important that you feel comfortable talking to your therapist about these issues and the impact they have on your mental health. You have the right to ask your therapist about the work they’ve done to incorporate justice into their practice and expanded awareness into their approach. 

The therapeutic alliance that you build with your therapist is crucial. While therapists are trained and skilled to understand people, we are not all-knowing. You are the expert of your life and experience, which is why we encourage clients to share whatever will help make their time in therapy healing and worthwhile. If for any reason you do not feel like the work you are doing with your therapist is meeting your needs, you have the right to end services and find another therapist who best suits you. 

Therapy is for everyone, and you have the power to make it work for you. 

Technology I Rely On to Help Run My Business

Technology I Rely On to Help Run My Business

Written by Vanessa Flores, LCSW-S

Being a business owner means that you have a lot of hats to wear and there are a lot of moving parts at once. It’s easy for things to get lost in the mix and when you don’t have a business partner like me, it can also leave you feeling a little cuckoo if you don’t have systems in place to help move things along.

I’ve decided to share all things technology related that really help me keep the ship moving. I love systems, I love structure and I could not live without some of these tech savvy apps. I feel really proud to say that my practice is completely paperless outside of the paper planner I still keep for my guilty pleasure and I’ve never felt better.

I’d love to hear what you use for your business or your day to day life. How do you ensure that you’re getting it all done?!

Systems

SimplePractice - This is my EHR (Electronic Health Records) system where I host all my client information, weekly appointments, billing information and where I file my weekly insurance claims. They’ve recently added features like secure messaging with clients and team members, video capability to conduct Telehealth sessions as well as a “journal” option for clients to use and share with you (their therapist). The best part about it is that it’s secure, HIPAA compliant and totally worth the monthly subscription fee.

Squarespace - There is so much you can do if you host your website on Squarespace, which obviously I do. You are able to sell products and services on your website and they just rolled out a feature where you can create and submit newsletters on their platform. I used to use MailChimp but the Squarespace templates are so much cleaner and modern in comparison to MailChimp. I love that you have full control over your website this way and it is very user friendly so if you ever need to make updates to your website then you can do it yourself within seconds instead of waiting on your web designer to do it for you. Their tech support is also really user friendly and offers clear step by step instructions on how to troubleshoot any issue you’re having. I give them a 10 out of 10!

Gmail for Business - For a small $5 monthly fee, I am able to communicate with key stakeholders in the community as well as clients using an e-mail account that has a BAA (Business Associate Agreement) which is extremely important as a mental health provider. Gmail has also recently made a lot of changes to their e-mail platform and has enabled a live task list, note-taking system and integrated calendar while being able to see your inbox all at the same time.

Apple iPad & Apple Pencil - While an investment, these two things have been vital in allowing my practice to go paperless. Not only do I use my iPad to take notes in sessions with clients, I also take it with me to CEU events, networking meetings, planning meetings, etc. I can easily pull up a video or article while in supervision and I love that it’s light and easy to carry with me anywhere. If you’re considering going paperless, I highly recommend making an investment in these two pieces of technology.

Slack - This is an app I use with my team of associate therapists, my clinical consultation group and the other therapists that office where I do. It’s a great way to communicate throughout the day about anything and everything. Are we out of toilet paper? Send me a Slack message to let me know! (Not kidding.) You can share files, images and links. You can also send direct messages to individuals or specific people in your “slack channel” if you aren’t wanting to communicate with the whole group at all times.

Google Voice - I use this app as my business phone line. I will likely be switching over to another system soon because my team is growing but for now, it works well.

Doxy.me - This is the app I use to meet with clients online for teletherapy. It works best when used on an iPad or phone. The desktop option tends to have connection issues but it has been a great free option until SimplePractice rolled out their teletherapy capabilities within their application.

Zoom - I just started using Zoom a few months ago for a wide range of business meetings. I don’t have much to say on it so far but I’ve found it to be really easy to use. It’s also nice that you can host several people on a call at the same time.

Organization

GoodNotes - Okay, I cannot tell you how much time this app has saved me. I use my iPad and Apple Pencil to take notes during client sessions and my notes are all in this app. GoodNotes allows you to create a mini electronic Moleskine for each project and/or client and then allows you to write notes in each little notebook. On top of that, the app also allows you to upload PDF documents, images, files, etc. from other apps on your iPad so you don’t need to print or have notes in multiple places. It can all stay together electronically. I love that you can annotate documents that you upload and it has options for you to color and highlight your notes within the app as well. I can’t say enough good things about this. When it comes to client notes, I always export their notes from each session into a PDF document and then upload them into SimplePractice for secure storing. BAM! 5 Stars!

Calendly - I just started using this app a couple of months ago because I was getting frustrated going back and forth in e-mails trying to nail down times for coffee dates, lunch meetings, phone intakes, basically anything that required scheduling. This app allows you to create calendars based on anything that would require scheduling of your time. For example, I have a calendar for 15 minute phone intakes, lunch or coffee networking meetings, 60 minutes business consultation sessions, 30 minute group/workshop intake calls, etc. Within each calendar I get to decide when those events can take place and for how long. Calendly also syncs up to SimplePractice and does not offer time slots that are taken up by what exists on my SimplePractice calendar so there is no double booking that takes place. It’s been extremely helpful and a time saver for my workflow.

Skedda - My team and I use this app to book rooms within our office space to meet with clients. It’s free and super easy to use. Everyone knows when rooms are booked and when they’re available so there is no confusion or double booking here either.

Asana - I love this app for managing projects within my business. It allows me to have a big picture view of all the things I’m managing and allows me to create a time sensitive task list for each one in order to ensure that things get done.

Google Drive - What can I say? I praise the Google Gods for all that this app has to offer. I use this for everything and one of the most important things I keep here is my Content Calendar for my social media accounts. This helps me plan out content weeks in advance without the headache of coming up with it on the spot. Aside from this, I keep all my files nice and organized by project and/or topic while being able to access everything on my desktop and my phone.

Money

Ivy Pay - My practice uses this ap for processing all credit card payments from clients. A huge draw for me is that the credit card processing fees are only 2.75% which is cheaper than others I’ve found and they give you your first $1000 worth of transactions for FREE! I used to use Stripe but it’s way more expensive. If you want a code to get your FREE money, send me an e-mail.

Quickbooks Self-Employed - Oh man. This. App. Is. Life. Changing. I started using this consistently about a year ago. It is connected to my business bank accounts and automatically inputs every transaction and withdrawal in real time. It allows me to categorize all my expenses and income on a daily basis and it provides me with a daily update on my numbers around business revenue, business profit and expenses. I can pull profit and loss reports and balance sheets whenever needed and it links to TurboTax for end of year taxes. Based on your cash flow, the app will tell you exactly how much to pay in quarterly taxes so there is not a question about whether you’re paying too much or too little. I got a huge return last year after using this app and I am forever grateful that I decided to make the switch from an excel spreadsheet to this.

Social Media & Photography

Instagram - My business Instagram account (@colorsofaustin) is the platform I use to share content that is true to me and my business. It’s probably the only place I share content outside of my website at this very moment. Another blog post coming on that later. Overall, I’ve had a lot of success with meeting other therapists all over the world, finding and contracting other small business owners to help me grow my business and simply being a place to have a voice in the growing mental health community. Social media is extremely powerful and I love being able to engage in a meaningful way.

Facebook - I’ll be honest. I don’t love Facebook. The older I get, the more I resent it. However, I am so thankful for all the business groups I’ve been able to be a part of because of this platform. I currently am in several specific to therapists and mental health and business so for those simple reasons I choose to stay on it and unless those groups move off of Facebook then I will likely stay connected in this way. Some of the groups I follow are: Austin Mental Health Professionals, Austin Therapists of Color, RISE Together, Abundance Practice Builders, The Group Practice Exchange, Telehealth Providers Group, Austin Hispanic Therapists, Private Practice Paperwork Party, Insurance Credentialing and Billing for Mental Health Clinicians and the list goes on.

Canva - This app has been so helpful when it comes to creating content for my social media accounts. While you can use most of its features for free, it does have a subscription plan that enables you to have access to more features within the app such as logo design, flyers, etc.

Pexels - This is another great app I lean on frequently for downloading clean and beautiful images for my Instagram account. You can use keywords to search for images that are specifically related to that word. The images are free and not copyrighted so it is totally okay to use them.

VSCO - This is one of my favorite photo editing apps. I love all the filters they have and options for photo editing. It’s user friendly and seamless.

In closing, for all of you who have group practices, stay tuned for a NEW web application that will change the way your practice runs and give you confidence in the foundation and systems your business is built on. Click here to stay updated on the beta release.

If you have any questions or thoughts on what you would like to know more about when it comes to running your business, feel free to comment below or send me an e-mail at hello@colorsofaustincounseling.com. I’d love to hear from you!

Big love,

Vanessa

, , , ,

5 Steps To Enhance Your Relationship

, , , ,

5 Steps To Enhance Your Relationship

Written by Julie Walder, LPC

It’s happened, your relationship has officially gone from HOT, to NOT. It happens… to everyone. Relationships take work, especially the longer you are in one. For some, you don’t see the decline for years but for others you see the decline 6 months in. Relationships are different from person to person, culture to culture but one thing is the same, they all have their ups and downs. Once you are officially out of the “pink cloud” phase of the relationship, reality sets in and the real work starts. Don’t be scared, I’ve got a few tips to help you out.

Step 1: GET TO KNOW THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU

How well do you really know the person in front of you? When we are in the “pink cloud” phase, we have tons of happy chemicals in our brain that sometimes cloud everything else around us. All we can think about is how happy and in-love we are. We don’t want anything to ruin those feelings… why would we?! But the reality is that often those feelings of joy and excitement blur the rest of the relationship. You need to understand your partner’s inner world to really understand the person in front of you. Learning about your partner’s inner world will make your partner feel like you are truly interested in who they are which can be a great way to enhance feelings of connection.

Questions to ask your partner can be anything personal such as: “Hey Honey, what music group/artist are you into right now?”; “Babe, what is your favorite childhood memory?”; “Love, what are your hopes and dreams?” “What are your top 5 favorite movies?” “If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?” WARNING! If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, don’t be surprised if your partner’s answers have changed. Over time our preferences, likes and dislikes change. That is why is it so important to ask personal questions like the ones above. Try to make it a point to get to know your partner again and again. You can ask these questions every few months, to once a year, but don’t wait too long. If you are having a difficult time thinking of questions to ask, I suggest downloading the Gottman Card Decks from the Gottman Institute onto your phone. The app is free and has every question you can think of!

Step 2: USE THE INFORMATION TO THE BENEFIT OF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER

Okay, now that you know the person in front of you, the next step is to take action! Your partner just told you personal information that you can use to plan for future dates, gifts, and trips. Using the questions in Step 1 as an example: plan a date night with the new information. Play your partner’s favorite music group during a meal together. Make a meal (take out is fine) based on the part of the world your partner would love to live. Plan a date where all you do is watch your partner’s favorite movies. The point here is that you are making an effort! Not only did you make an effort to understand who your partner is, but you listened to them and put their words into action. Imagine how your partner must feel now. 😊

Step 3: BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORDS

So your partner works 50 hours a week and you work 60 hours a week. Or, you and your partner work, have 2 kids, and a dog. In today’s society, we are busy every minute of the day. This often leads to relationships having decreased communication. One day, you might get an hour of time with your partner, another day you get 5 minutes. Or you might feel like two ships passing in the night. However long you get to communicate, talk with your partner… MAKE IT COUNT! Take advice from Don Miguel Ruiz’s ‘4 agreements’,  “Be impeccable with your words.”

Whether the only mode of communicating at that moment is through text, or just sitting on the couch, make every word count. Make sure you convey honesty and integrity. It is a difficult concept to consider on a daily basis, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes. And don’t get down on yourself if you slip up, you’re only human.

Step 4: COMPLIMENT, COMPLIMENT, COMPLIMENT

When was the last time you gave your partner a compliment? When was the last time you told your partner you appreciated something they did? This step goes hand in hand with Step #3. Find time to compliment or praise your partner. Over time and as our schedules get busier, compliments start go out the window. Giving a compliment takes 5 seconds. “Your hair looks great today!”; “Dinner was delicious!”; “You have a beautiful smile." You can even take it one step forward and tell your partner something you appreciate. “I really appreciate it when you watched the kids this morning so I can sleep in." It feels good to receive compliments and appreciations. You are acknowledging something personal and/or something positive they did. It helps boosts self-esteem in your partner and the relationship.

Step 5:  THE COUPLE THAT PLAYS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER

Couples need to have play time. It is so important to have fun, be silly, have adventure, and play. It keeps the relationship alive and helps you connect with your partner even more. If you followed the steps above, you should have a really good idea what your partner considers fun. Now that you know your partner’s interest, match it up with an interest of yours because if you plan an outing to a heavy metal concert when your partner likes classical music, chances are he/she is not going to have fun. If you are having a hard time thinking of something, look to the past… reenact your first date, replicate a day trip you took to wine country. What ever it may be, make sure you do it as often as you feel is necessary to keep the relationship fun and playful.

I'd love to hear what happens when you try one or all of these steps. Please share! 

Warmly, 

Julie